2010年4月24日 星期六

Lately...


A student should do

It is the mid-term exam that makes me suffer so much pressure. Perhaps, it is because I do not focus on my study so much that I have to make efforts to make up the neglect of my own duty as a student during mid-term exam. Some of my classmates do not have such a problem because they study hard all the time.

It seems a good time, chance for me to reflect on my past daily lives in the last term. I am aware of that I have too many extracurricular activities, and also indulge in the happiness from those activities too much. Therefore, I lost the sense of responsibility to carry out what a student should do gradually. In order to prevent that worse condition of my study, such as flunking an exam or a course, will happens to me, I made my mind to concentrate more on it. I decided to spend my weekends in the library in the future except for going home. After all, what I can do in the library is limited, including studying, reading, seeing movies, which all benefits my life.

Something complicated made confused

A good guy who is a senior of mine showed up and came into my life. At first sight, I did not know why, but I had to admit he really caught my eye so that we wanted to understand him more. A period of time passed, we became friends because we take the same elective course and attend the same club. We always get along well with other, and we can talk happily with each other all the time. He also expresses his concern for me like my brother. In his presence, an independent, strong girl like me suddenly became a girl who needs to be attended. It is really weird.

Lately, our relationship seems to become better and better even to an unspeakable extent. He is usually willing to keep me company if he is available. We will go to the library for study and go out to have meals together, only he and me. Besides, some of his conduct makes me feel confused that he regards me as a common friend, a close friend like his younger sister, or someone else. For example, first, he did many things that touched my heart indeed. Second, he will frequently feed me like a couple of lovers will do when we have meals together. There are still a lot of matters that makes my thinking complex, confused. He is so sweet, considerate that I strong suspect that I have had a crush on him. However, it bothers my mind that he makes me tend to be accustomed to his company, and want to rely on him involuntarily. I am afraid that I will lose myself gradually, so I try to control my mind, oppress my emotion.
Will it be my first love? I do not know.

2010年4月10日 星期六

A Kind of Self-abuse ? Nervousness and Anxiety

It was a stressful day for me that I had two oral presentations in a row on this Wednesday afternoon. Also, because of these, I did not feel hungry at all. Maybe I was too nervous and too anxious. One of the presentations that I had to do was in an elective course called Copy Culture and Consumerism, which is basically all lectured in English. Even though I am an English major student, I still think taking this course a quite challengeable task. Sometimes, what we need to do in this class is even more difficult than those in some required courses. For instance, I have to read a lengthy article, which context contains about more than thirty pages, and make a summary. Then, we must present it individually for about ten minutes. Due to not having enough time to prepare it well, I thought that my presentation was not well-organized. (What a pity it was!) What I could say was that it was fortunate that I got through with this work smoothly at last. But, I cannot be too excited about it because there is still a lot of hard work waiting for me to carry out in the future.

Somebody asked me why I chose the course, which exhausts me so much. In fact, I hesitated for a long time about that if I really wanted to take this course. For many times, I really wanted to quit this course, escape from this challenge, and live a relaxed life. However, I made up my mind to face this hard work bravely. The reasons are as follow: First, I thought that the name of the course sounded quite interesting, and also made me feel curious about it. Second, it was possible that I could improve my English abilities much more and trained myself to be more courageous and confident on the stage by taking it. Third, I must keep my promise with my friend Sally to take this course together.

In reality, I am convinced that I will definitely gain something meaningful even though I have to pay so many efforts on it. I expect myself to make it! But, somebody thought that I was really crazy; they did not understand why I treated myself like this, making myself so busy and tired!

It is the song that we chorus are going to sing

2010年4月1日 星期四

Pondering

On a silent Tuesday night, some thoughts came into my mind all of a sudden when I just lay down in my bed. Just in the sudden moment, I was aware of a terrible situation

I remembered that I was as busy as a bee during the whole day. I have seven classes that day, and ordinarily, I have to practice playing volley ball and also singing in the night. But, I have to practice singing earlier than before, and I cannot play volley lately. That’s because our club will have a chorus performance in May, and I hope that I can spend more time focusing on singing, and let my progress catch up with, even surpass others. In addition, my finger and knee got hurt, so I have a reasonable excuse for not going to play volley ball. Then, I thought I can make use of the situation to take a rest and release from the exhausted life temporarily.

Once, I thought that my life will be colorful and full of joy all the time because the members in the chorus, the teammates in the ball team, and my dear friends in the college really made me fell warm and well-beloved. I do not want lost anyone of them indeed. However, I seemed to gradually indulge in the joyful life too much. Also, I have been accustomed to rely on them and hope they can usually keep me company. I did not awake from happy world until something unpleasant happened to me recently in the club. It seemed like a complex thing, and made me feel somehow uncomfortable, confused, lonely, and a little down!

Thank to the things, I was able to calm down, and had a reflection to my daily life again. I realized that my weakness, frailty appeared, but I did want anyone, especially males, to find this. For me, it is such a terrible thing to rely on others. I frequently hope that I need not to be protected by others, and I need not to rely on others’ help. Instead, I expect I can become an independent, hardy, and strong-minded girl. That’s because I am convince that feeble personality will make one vulnerable one day. Therefore, I told myself females and males are all equal individuals, and we girls cannot be so delicate that we always need boys’ assistance. I do not want anybody, especially those whom I love, to worry about me, so I have started to learn how to take good care of myself at an early age. Even though I will feel a little hard and lonely sometime, I will pretend that I am ok and try hard to make myself enjoy the time that I can spend alone.

Further, I thought it is improper that I pour too much of my heart to those leisure activities rather than my study. I have to rethink what my college life should be. Is it what I want? Do I really know what kind of life I am living? Am I really happy? Do I really think that everything is paid off and meaningful? Is my life too busy so that I cannot concentrate on everything? Should I cut off some activities so that I can focus on my study much more? After all, a saying goes, “You cannot sell the cow and drink the milk.” So, it seems to be the time for me to adjust that pace of my life, and reset a long-term goal for my future. Although I am still in my fresh year, I do not want to have any regret at all in my college life.